just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My friends, they love my intelligence
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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