it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
