the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
