Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
