don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
