Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
