i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
