I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize