I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Randomize
