It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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