JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
