Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
