I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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