Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
