I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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