my sisters under your porch take her home
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
