i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
