So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
