Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
