Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
