My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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