why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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