is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
