i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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