Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
