no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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