i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize