If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
