sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just puked most of my soul out..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
