oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
