I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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