I'm going to jail i love you
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
