FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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