I'm gonna have a badass scar
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
