Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
