Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
