I think my vagina is haunted
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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