I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
