the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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