the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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