I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
