i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Maybe he injected his testicle?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
