I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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