the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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