Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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