Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize