At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
