how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
