Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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