Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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