I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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