In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
