I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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