My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
