Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Terrible idea I love it
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
