I'm sorry my penis didn't work
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
