You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
