Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
