when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Bring me that man meat
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
